Dead woMan Walking

Did you ever watch the movie Dead Man Walking with Sean Penn? He was a criminal who had been sentenced to death. The movie centered around his last few days on death row and the famous scene of the "Dead Man Walking." It was an awesome movie. I don't like Sean Penn but the story was great and he was great in it. I felt like Sean Penn today. I had my surgery on Friday and have waited 5, incredibly long days for the biopsy results. Yesterday was horrible. Even though I have been through this before, I was just as scared as the last time. Maybe even more scared if that is possible. I woke up about 3:30am and never went back to sleep. All I could think about was how the doctor would break the news to me. I didn't want to walk in that room and be suprised by anything he said. Every scenario I could possibly imagine played out in my mind. I had felt all morning like this doctors appointment was going to be similar to going before a judge and being handed a death sentence. I met Mouse in front of the doctor's office and couldn't even look at him. I was going to walk in their strong and without fear but I knew if I looked at him, he would see right through my flimsy facade. I expected a long wait but was suprised with hearing my name being called immediately upon signing in. You know what I was thinking, " They have been waiting on me." I felt like my legs were made of lead with sand bags tied to my feet. I was a DEAD woMAN WALKING!! I undressed and we waited on the judge, I mean doctor. He walked in and said the words I was desperate to hear (but didn't dare hope for), "Everything is Good. NO CANCER. I could barely breathe. For the first time, I looked over at Mouse. He was in tears. Maybe we were both in the same place when we walked into that doctors office. It is so crazy how our lives just plod along the same way, day after day and week after week and then you get a word that your life might not be exactly as you had been planning it to be. Everything you have been counting on and everything you have been expecting, STOPS while you wait on words from a stranger. Someone who knows absolutely nothing about you or your family or your life and you know nothing about him except that he holds your life in his hands. At the end of the day, I am so grateful for the beautiful words from this stranger.