Is it hard being the Mom?

After preparing and serving my 3W's a gourmet meal of popcorn chicken and ramen noodles. (Yes, I have discovered that they can be used as a side item not just the entree'), #3W posed this question to me, "Is it hard being the mom?" Before answering, I looked over at Mouse who was looking at me. Both of us thinking, what a deep question for a 5 year old. I quickly answered him, "Yes, it is hard but it's the best job I've ever had." I was rewarded with that beautiful smile only found on the face of an innocent child. Completely unaware that he had just knocked me to my knees with that one. Mouse quickly piped in, "What about the dad?" The other two were quick to add that their mom does the work around our house. #1W said, "She gets up every day and gets us ready for school and she takes care of everything around here. Then #2W added "and she runs our business too." I just stood there speechless and for those who know me best those times are few and far between. Who would ever think that 3 small children could leave their mommy speechless? Not me. I always hope and pray that I will have an answer, maybe not the right one but that I will have something to give them when they come to me with questions. I hope I answered that question tonight satisfactorily. Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had but I am grateful for every difficult minute of it.

My Left Nut

My favorite part of going away for the weekend without my children is the stories I get when we return. Believe me, we have heard some doozies. The day we left to go out of town ,the first time for #3, he stuck a china berry up his nose which everyone swore came out at the school but in fact Mouse pulled out 3 WEEKS LATER. We once returned from a golfing weekend to find #2W with an entire mouth imprint on his cheek from the guests he was staying with. The #1W painted an her hosts foyer with sanitary napkins while we were away and #2 dropped the following phrase "I lost the "God D___ ball!" while spending the weekend with my parents. (We got a telephone call for that one) But the story I got this morning is the best by far. Mouse and I spent the past weekend celebrating a birthday with some of the Bunko Babes in Biloxi. #2W and #3W stayed at home with our friend, Jan. (Bless her soul) The weather called for rain all day Saturday so they decided to go to the movies. She took them to see PRINCE CASPIEN and then to Stevie B's for pizza and some arcade games. We love the Narnia books so I knew that the boys were thrilled to get to see this show. Apparently, as they were waiting outside Stevie B's for her children to join them for dinner there was some discussion about the movie and how great it was when #3W piped up and said, " I would give my left nut to see that movie again." I told you there was never a dull moment when he's around.

Probate Court

Monday, August 18, 2008, please report to the Honorable Debbie Hunnicut's office for the matter of probating Herman Light's will.

It sounds so official doesn't it? Like something you might find exciting or look forward to. NOT!! I worked for the probate court in Cobb county for a couple of years during college. I can't begin to tell you how many wills I have read, filed, and typed the newspaper notices. I have looked into the faces of hundreds of families coming to the court house to do just what my mother, younger sister and I did on Monday. As I walked into that room, I remembered those days at the Cobb county probate court and the people I ushered into their court room. I cannot recall a time ever really thinking about why they were there or feeling any sympathy for them. To me, most of these folks were just a name or a docket number that I would later file. I did check out the cause of death on the death certificates and look at their age but that was pure nosiness. They were a job to me. I looked at those ladies sitting in that office and knew that was the way they felt about us. I wanted desperately to think that maybe I was wrong. I felt so guilty for my selfishness those many years ago. I guess you gain some empathy for others as you grow up but as I thought about how carelessly I had treated those people. I was really ashamed.

Our attorney was so proud of the fact that the whole process took 10 minutes. 10 minutes was all it took to put a legal end to his 80 years? You have got to be kidding me! I know that he was trying to make my mother feel better. She was so worried about the process but I wasn't quite as proud. All I could think about was how my mother cried as she took her oath as executor of Poppa's estate. There is something so sad about the words, "Dead, as far as you know." I wanted to say, "Oh, I think she knows." She felt every word of that oath she took, promising to take care of his things to the best of her ability. No one would ever expect any less of her. Taking care of each other was what their entire life had been about.

After we left the courthouse, we stood out in the parking lot just chatting. I wondered how many times he had stood in that very spot talking about some serious city matter. And it was in that spot looking over at City Hall that we realized, he died one month ago today.

100 Years Old

Today is Mouse's, grandmother's, 100th birthday. I can't believe I actually know someone who has lived 100 years. We had a big bash for her on Sunday afternoon. Many of our family and her friends attended the party. Larry Smith had put together the most incredible flower arrangement. It was made of 100 pink roses. The food was incredible. It was a very nice party. Can you imagine what 100 feels like? Not me. Somedays, just being 40 something throws me.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA LOWE!!!!!!

We love You

4 Weeks and Counting

Yesterday was the 4 week mark. I have thought about Poppa several times over the past 2 days. He would have been the 1st call we made on Thursday after picking the W's up from school actually, we probably would have gone to his house for snack after school so they could tell him about their day. Instead, my mom went with me to pick them up. She was happy to be a part of their first day. Having to start new traditions is difficult.

Poppa was always so interested in everything they were involved in, especially school. Last year, #1W started taking Spanish. Poppa could speak Spanish and was always having her tell him what she had learned. They spoke to each other a lot in Spanish and had special terms of endearment that only they knew. After he died, she wrote him a letter that we put in the casket and buried with him. She allowed Mouse and I to read it and she had signed it in Spanish. I know that as this year moves forward, there will be so many times that she will long to share something with him. I hope that I can really stay in tune with her so I pick up on those times. She is not an open book.

Isn't it interesting how you find comfort in the strangest places? I recently attended a birthday party for a friend's child. There, I ran into an aquaintence (and I use that term loosely, I think I may have spoken to this person twice in my life) came up to me and told me how sorry she was to hear about my daddy. I gave her that obligatory "Thank you, I appreciate that" and was ready to move on when she stopped me in my tracks. She told me that she had been on the phone with a mutual friend as that friend was pulling in my mother's driveway on that day. She had shared with her what had happened. This girl told me that as soon as she got off the phone, she dropped to her knees and said a prayer for me and my family. "See I know how much it hurts, I lost my daddy two years ago," she said. We talked a lot about what our daddy's meant to us and she shared that she still has days that she misses him more that she can explain. But then she shared a conversation that someone had with her after her daddy died. It went like this, "After someone you care deeply for passes away, you experience you grief in color. Bright, vivid, harsh. You can feel it and see it with every part of you and in everything you do. But one day your grief will turn black and white." She told me that she remembers the day when she woke up and her grief had turned black and white and it was on that day that she knew she would be alright. I thought that was such an incredible analogy. I could never had put that into words but it was right on. I am eagerly waiting for my black and white day.

First Day of School for the Big W's

Yesterday was the 1st full day for the #1W and the #2W. #1 started the 6th grade this year. MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!. I will never forget middle school. Will you? Along with more responsibility there will be much more priviledges and free time for her. That's really scary. She is pretty responsible and still afraid of getting in trouble but I don't know about the rest of her class. I guess we will just see as the year progresses. She wants to try out for basketball and has decided to run cross county. Maybe we can run in a race together. That would be pretty cool. #2 is in the 3rd grade. He says that school is AWESOME! A suprising term to describe school. I hope he continues to think it is so great. I loved the way he described the new girl in his class. He said that she was really nice, not really cute but that she was friends with the whole class by the end of the day. Don't you just love that honesty they possess? He is definately my social child. I can't believe they are growing up so fast. I am looking forward to this school year and all it will hold. It is exciting to me to watch them learn and grow not only educationally but also emotionally. I enjoy their relationships and marvel at their perception of life. I can hardly wait to see what comes next. GiGi

PS Hey Semi-Slacker Mom, notice that the only first day picture I took was for #3. I have a 1st day picture from every year except this one. I guess I was in too big a hurry to get everyone out the door and to their designated coordinates. See, we all are semi-slackers.

I've Been Tagged (Twice)

Now that I have been tagged twice, I guess I better step up and get to posting. I'm not sure that I can come up with 6 things that everyone doesn't know about me but here goes:

1) I was born in San Diego, California.

2) I haven't seen or spoken to my birth mother in over 18 years.

3) I dated the current, Georgia Bulldogs Baseball Coach, (David Perno) when we were at Middle Georgia College.

4) I have been in a beauty pageant.

5) I bought my first brand new car w/ 13 miles on it. I drove it off the lot, straight to Atlanta, put it in a ditch and did $3000 worth of damage to it.

6) I rode on a bus from Fort Valley, GA to Santa Monica, CA and back home. During that trip, we visited White Sands, NM; The Grand Canyon; Las Vegas; The Redwood Forest; Yosemite National Park; and the only place in the US where 4 states touch. I don't even remember all 4 of the states now. Pretty sad to get old.

This has been a fun trip down memory lane. Now Jana, Becky, Kristy and Andrea, you have been tagged. The rest of you Bunko Babes, you better get to blogging so you can get tagged too.

Week Three

Today marks three weeks since Poppa died. Suprisingly, I made it till about 8:30 am before I realized that. My mother has had a pretty rough week. She has been alone for the first time and the reality of her new life has begun to set in. I can't imagine trying to start a new life at 80. I have spent a lot of time with her this week. Just trying to talk with her and make sure she is ok. I find myself trying to entertain her with stories about the 3W's. Then, I worry that I am talking to much and should probably listen to her more. Aren't relationships complicated? And when you throw a tragedy into the mix, O LORD, HELP US ALL! I was telling Mouse the other night that I feel like I owe an apology to all my friends who have lost loved ones. I don't think I was sympathetic enough or understood enough but what I am learning is that no one knows what it is like to lose a parent until it happens to you. I have compared it to having a baby. Except the exact opposite feeling. You know how you read all those books, spent countless hours picking out the right name, and talking about what you were going to do with them for the rest of their life and you think in your head that you know how much your gonna love them. And then they get here and the love you feel is indescribable. You didn't understand that your heart could feel that much joy. Nothing you could even explain to someone, they have to experience it. That's how I feel about this. You think in your head how sad it will be and you know how much you will miss them but all of that is in your head. It's only after it happens that you feel it in your heart.

GiGi

His First Day

We all got up bright and early this morning to take the #3W to his first day of Kindergarten. The older 2 were so sweet to get up and want to be a part of his special day. #2W kept saying, "I can't believe he is going to kindergarten." I was thinking the same thing. It was a pretty uneventfuly morning other than the fact that he was having a serious itch in a place no one would want to watch him scratch. We loaded up and headed out. I said a prayer for him as we drove to school. Inwardly, I was praying hard that I would be able to hold it together. After everything we have been through the last few weeks, my emotions are very raw. He has the best teacher in the world so I know I don't have anything to worry about but still, he's my baby. I left him sitting at his table with a dinosaur picture trying so hard not to cry. He is such a strong little boy. His Poppa would be so proud of him. I hope he was looking down and giving him a thumbs up.

GiGi

All I ever needed to know I learned in Kindergarten

Have you read this poem by Robert Fulghum? It goes like this:

Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash you hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold mild are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish, hamsters, and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup--they all die. So do we. And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everythink you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology and politics and sane living. Think of what a better world it would be if we all--the whole world--had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

I love those words. My baby starts kindergarten tomorrow. I hope he learns all these things.

GiGi

The 2 Week Mark

He died 2 weeks ago today.


I know these posts are so rambling. There is no rhyme or reason to the order or even to the information in the posts. I feel so out of sorts. I have always known that I was really a strong person. I have dealt with some pretty crazy things in my 40 years but I think this one takes the cake. I feel like such a baby. I keep telling myself, "Come on GiGi, you can handle this, you have to. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!!!" but I just don't want to. I just want to be sad. And I am reminded with each passing day, how much I relied on him to help me get through this crazy life I lead. I called their house today and his voice is still on the answering machine. I think I need to tell my mother because it's so morbid to have him answering his phone like he might be able to return the call but I don't want her to erase the last recording of his voice.


I feel like I am just going through the motions of getting myself through the day. Am I being selfish? I know I am but I don't know what else to do. I spent a large majority of my day today wandering through Target trying to get school supplies for the 3W's. I was by myself so I was obviously quiet and I was able to really watch the people around me. I saw mothers hurrying their children to pick out a bookbag, teenagers rolling their eyes as mother's picked out clothes for them. I saw others laying down in the isles because their mom said NO to the Hannah Montanna notebook because it cost $1.99 and the generic cost $.59. I witnessed an older gentleman become very upset at his wife for not answering his numberous telephone calls while she had been shopping in the store. I couldn't tell if he was mad or if was worried. I didn't care either way because he was very rude to her. My favorite encounter was in the shoe store. I had just heard a mother emphatically telling her children that they would get a pair of tennis shoes and one more pair to start school in and they would have to wear these for 3 or 4 months so they better pick out the pair that they really liked (Do any of us know what it is like to have that kind of conversation with our children?), when I turned the corner and headed down the next aisle. I saw this young boy, probably the same age as #2W, trying on these electric blue suade reebok tennis shoes. I am sure you all know I would have quickly steered my W's away from those but you know what this mother said to her young boy. She said, "Wow, those are some really wonderful shoes you have picked out for school. You have made a great choice." Can you guess what happened next? That little boy, jumped up and gave his momma a hug. How many of us have gotten hugs on those dreadful shopping trips. I can't remember a time that a school shopping trip ever elicited a hug in our family. I like to think that I am a mother who tries to foster individuality in my children but I guess not if I control their choices by only allowing what I think is appropriate individuality.

My aunt is leaving on Sunday and my mother will be left alone. She has not spent more that a few minutes alone since Poppa died. She has to be so scared. I am scared for her and scared for me. I know once my aunt leaves, it will be my family bearing the brunt of caring for my mother. I know that sounds harsh. I will do whatever I have to do to take care of her and I know that Mouse will support whatever decisions I need to make in regard to her. But I am scared of how much more responsiblilty I am adding to my family. I guess I should look at it as an opporturnity to teach important life lessons to my children about taking care of those we love. I don't know. I guess only time will tell.

GiGi