The 2 Week Mark

He died 2 weeks ago today.


I know these posts are so rambling. There is no rhyme or reason to the order or even to the information in the posts. I feel so out of sorts. I have always known that I was really a strong person. I have dealt with some pretty crazy things in my 40 years but I think this one takes the cake. I feel like such a baby. I keep telling myself, "Come on GiGi, you can handle this, you have to. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!!!" but I just don't want to. I just want to be sad. And I am reminded with each passing day, how much I relied on him to help me get through this crazy life I lead. I called their house today and his voice is still on the answering machine. I think I need to tell my mother because it's so morbid to have him answering his phone like he might be able to return the call but I don't want her to erase the last recording of his voice.


I feel like I am just going through the motions of getting myself through the day. Am I being selfish? I know I am but I don't know what else to do. I spent a large majority of my day today wandering through Target trying to get school supplies for the 3W's. I was by myself so I was obviously quiet and I was able to really watch the people around me. I saw mothers hurrying their children to pick out a bookbag, teenagers rolling their eyes as mother's picked out clothes for them. I saw others laying down in the isles because their mom said NO to the Hannah Montanna notebook because it cost $1.99 and the generic cost $.59. I witnessed an older gentleman become very upset at his wife for not answering his numberous telephone calls while she had been shopping in the store. I couldn't tell if he was mad or if was worried. I didn't care either way because he was very rude to her. My favorite encounter was in the shoe store. I had just heard a mother emphatically telling her children that they would get a pair of tennis shoes and one more pair to start school in and they would have to wear these for 3 or 4 months so they better pick out the pair that they really liked (Do any of us know what it is like to have that kind of conversation with our children?), when I turned the corner and headed down the next aisle. I saw this young boy, probably the same age as #2W, trying on these electric blue suade reebok tennis shoes. I am sure you all know I would have quickly steered my W's away from those but you know what this mother said to her young boy. She said, "Wow, those are some really wonderful shoes you have picked out for school. You have made a great choice." Can you guess what happened next? That little boy, jumped up and gave his momma a hug. How many of us have gotten hugs on those dreadful shopping trips. I can't remember a time that a school shopping trip ever elicited a hug in our family. I like to think that I am a mother who tries to foster individuality in my children but I guess not if I control their choices by only allowing what I think is appropriate individuality.

My aunt is leaving on Sunday and my mother will be left alone. She has not spent more that a few minutes alone since Poppa died. She has to be so scared. I am scared for her and scared for me. I know once my aunt leaves, it will be my family bearing the brunt of caring for my mother. I know that sounds harsh. I will do whatever I have to do to take care of her and I know that Mouse will support whatever decisions I need to make in regard to her. But I am scared of how much more responsiblilty I am adding to my family. I guess I should look at it as an opporturnity to teach important life lessons to my children about taking care of those we love. I don't know. I guess only time will tell.

GiGi